In an effort to keep your home and belongings safe and at the least expense to you, we’ve come up with this easy home security installation:

  1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.
  2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine and the NRA Directory.
  3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
  4. Leave a note on your door that reads:Hey Bubba,Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls–they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ’em in the house. They has calmed down some, but you better be real quiet and just wait outside.

“Cooter”